Week 1: Wagon Wheels

They couldn't start the season with something easy, could they? Here's how I blundered my way through making something that at least looks vaguely like a Wagon Wheel.

The finished item, half-eaten.

Bake Off is finally back, bringing with it office sweepstakes, arguments over who's the best competitor (Kim-Joy, obvs), and meaning it's time for me to try my hand at recreating some of the show's signature dishes. This was something I first tried in 2016, and I must confess, I didn't actually watch the show last year. I couldn't handle the change, you see.

Oh, sure, Paul Hollywood was there as usual, hanging over proceedings like a bread-powered dictator, but the rest of the show had changed. Mary Berry - the nation's kindly aunt - had been replaced by Prue Leith, who is quite frankly a fucking enigma. Is she charming? Is she stern? What's her policy on how much gin to add? It's hard to tell. All I know is that she dresses like she's trying to subtly hint that she has a second career as a high-fashion circus clown, and that I am here for it.

Meanwhile, Mel and Sue have been replaced by Noel and Sandi, and I kind of get what the producers were going for. They didn't want to change too much visually, so they just squashed Mel, slapped heavy eyeliner on Sue and called it a day. But personality-wise, it's a bit jarring.

I'm fine with Sandi. I love Sandi. Sandi is too good for all of us, and we know it. But Noel? He seems like a lovely bloke, but that's the problem. He's a cheery goth. It doesn't make any sense. It's like seeing an elephant with wings, or a competent health secretary, or a clown without an expression of deep-seated regret; it doesn't quite fit with how the world works in my head. If he doesn't start reciting bad poetry about heartbreak or singing The Cure covers then I'm going to get a migraine.

Anyway, onto the actual baking. I've elaborated on the rules of this challenge I've set myself in this post, but a quick reminder: I am going to bake one dish per week, ideally the technical challenge but I reserve the right to do something different if I feel like it. I'm also making the recipes vegan, because I am a vegan and I would like to actually be able to eat the things I bake. Feel free to cover them in butter and sausages when you make them at home.

I'm also going to post my vegan-ised recipes at the end of each blog post, but as a disclaimer, they are literally just the ones from the Bake Off site with a few ingredients replaced. I am not claiming to have made them up from scratch, I'm merely nicking Paul Hollywood's ideas and improving them a bit. Sorry Paul. One day you'll be as good a baker as me. Onto the bake!

Week One: Wagon Wheels

Oh, tits. This looks hard. I need to make a biscuit, and a jam, and a marshmallow, and cover the whole thing in chocolate? Yeah, okay. Fine. Sure. I'll just get right on that. Damn it Paul, don't you know ordinary people are going to be trying to make these as well as your collection of super-bakers? GO EASY ON ME. I'M INCOMPETENT AND OFTEN DRUNK.

I started off by making jam, and straight away I looked at the recipe and thought "fuck it". Paul wants me to buy raspberries like some kind of a sucker, but I have a perfectly good redcurrant bush growing in my garden. I saved 60p, and all I had to do was climb on top of my shed with a sieve to reach the ripe ones, avoid falling into the neighbours garden, and fight off a few wasps.

Worth it.

Last time, I remember the jam recipe requiring a sugar thermometer, but thankfully that isn't the case this year. All I have to do is, and I quote:

"Add the sugar and bring to the boil over a low heat, until the sugar has melted. Increase the heat and boil for 4 minutes, until thickened."

Did I manage that? Did I bollocks.

I managed the first bit, leaving it on a low heat until the sugar had melted. The problem is, I then left it on a low heat for an undetermined length of time, because I found something funny to watch on YouTube. Realising my mistake, I increased the heat to UNREASONABLY HIGH for a while, swore a lot, and put the whole thing in a bowl to cool.

Now, I've never been all that clear on what the difference between a jam, a jelly and a marmalade is, but I'm about ninety per cent certain that what I made was technically rubber, and only a few steps away from being legally classed as superglue. I made a thick, sticky slab of failure.

I didn't even need to make jam. I own jam. In fact, I own too much jam. I don't even like jam, but I have about six jars that will probably never get eaten. But rather than using up some of my surplus, I had to go and ruin some perfectly good redcurrants. Whatever. Fine. Guess I'll see if I can have more success with the marshmallow oh no I completely fucked it.

My mistake was becoming a vegan. No, scratch that, my mistake was being a vegan who is incredibly stupid. You see, regular gelatin - which the recipe calls for - needs soaking in water. But then - crucially - you take it out of the fucking water. Vege-gel, which I used, is a powder that gets dissolved in water, but then you add all that water into whatever you're making.

You can see where I'm going with this.

I ended up putting twice as much water as the recipe calls for into my mallow mix, leaving me with what can only be charitably described as sugar soup. I tried so hard to thicken it. I whisked it until my arm seized up. I microwaved it, which didn't help at all, but that was my only plan at that stage so I just kept doing it. But nothing helped.

To stop this from becoming even longer than it already is, we'll skip the biscuit. That part was fine. Apparently I can do biscuits, and I can also melt chocolate. So alongside these crucial parts, I have jam that is far too thick, and marshmallow that is not even close to being thick enough. Assembling them was an experience.

Picture, if you will, an idiot. He is attempting to, in one swift movement, glob a spoonful of mallow soup onto a jam-covered biscuit, sandwich it with another biscuit without the mallow splurging out, then cover the whole thing in chocolate. He's not doing very well. Various liquids are everywhere. Occasionally he screams, but at this stage he is unable to remember even the most basic words of English. He has jam in his hair.

Needless to say, this season of Bake off has not started well for me.

Did they taste good?

No. No they most certainly did not.

I hate you, you tiny biscuit wanker.

Despite the amount of sugar in it, the jam was incredibly sour. I hate to blame my redcurrants, but I think it was their fault. Or rather, the fault of the dickhead who used them rather than spend 60p at Aldi on raspberries.

The marshmallow would probably have helped, but that exploded out all over my kitchen rather than ending up in the actual biscuits. And the dark chocolate they were coated in was bitter, making the whole thing taste more like medicine than a sweet treat from my childhood.

Where would I have ranked among the Bake Off contestants?

Prue would have taken one bite and thrown the whole plate of biscuits at a sheep.

Any injuries?

Obviously. I licked the jam pan.

What have I learned?

USE THE JAM YOU ALREADY OWN YOU ABSOLUTE PLANK

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Recipe

Note: I've accounted for the mistakes I made, so don't worry about liquid-y marshmallow

Makes: 8

Hands-on time: 2 hours, plus chilling

Baking time: 12 minutes

Skill level: Challenging

For the biscuits:

• 200g plain flour

• 150g vegan butter, diced

• 1/2 tsp salt

• 75g caster sugar

• 1 tbsp vanilla paste

• 2 tbsp chickpea flour

• 225g 70% dark chocolate, melted, to coat

For the jam:

• 100g raspberries (or redcurrants)

• 125g jam sugar

For the marshmallow (this will make more than you need):

• 1 x 4g sachet powdered Vege-Gel

• 200g caster sugar

• 11/2 tsp glucose

• 3 tbsp aquafaba*

• 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

You will also need:

• Sugar thermometer

• Medium piping bag fitted with a 1cm round nozzle

• 8cm round cutter

• 2 baking sheets lined with baking paper

*This is the liquid from a can of chickpeas - it's very useful in vegan cooking, so be sure to reserve some whenever you can!

Step 1 – To make the biscuits, first mix the chickpea flour with 3 tbsp of water and mix to form a paste. Tip the flour, salt and butter into a bowl. Rub the butter into the flour until the mixture resembles fine crumbs. Stir in the sugar and vanilla paste, then add the chickpea paste. Using your hands, bring the dough together. Wrap in cling film and chill for 30 minutes.

Step 2 – For the jam, place the raspberries in a small deep-sided pan and crush them with a wooden spoon. Add the sugar and bring to the boil over a low heat, until the sugar has melted. Increase the heat and boil for 4 minutes, until thickened. Remove from the heat and carefully pass through a sieve into a shallow container. Leave to cool and set.

Step 3 – For the marshmallow, pour 50ml of water into a small bowl, then mix in the Vege-Gel. Set aside. Tip the sugar into a pan, add the glucose and 50ml of water and cook over a low heat to dissolve. Increase the heat and bring to the boil. Cook until the syrup reaches 120°C on a sugar thermometer. 

Step 4 – While the syrup is cooking, whisk the aquafaba with an electric whisk until firm but not dry. As soon as the syrup reaches 120°C, remove from the heat and stir in the Vege-Gel. 

Step 5 – With the mixer on full speed, pour the sugar syrup over the aquafaba in a steady stream. Whisk for 5–8 minutes, until the mixture is thick and glossy. Whisk in the vanilla extract, then spoon the mixture into a medium piping bag fitted with a 1cm round nozzle. 

Step 6 – Leave to cool to a perfect piping consistency – cool, but not completely set. 

Step 7 – Heat the oven to 180°C/160°C fan/350°F/Gas 4. On a floured worktop, roll out the dough to 3mm thick. Cut out 16 circles with the 8cm cutter and place on the baking sheets. Freeze for 10 minutes, then bake for 10–12 minutes, until just golden. Remove from the oven, cool on the tray for 3–5 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.

Step 8 – To assemble, spread some of the melted chocolate over the bases of 8 biscuits. Leave to set. Pipe a layer of marshmallow over the remaining 8 biscuits.   

Step 9 – Turn the chocolate-coated biscuits chocolate-side down. Spread the upper side with a layer of jam, then place a marshmallow-coated biscuit on top, marshmallow-side facing downwards.  

Step 10 – Place the biscuits on a wire rack over a tray and pour the remaining melted chocolate over the top. Spread with a palette knife to create a smooth layer, spreading the chocolate around the edges until the biscuits are covered. Leave to set before serving.

Wagon Wheels is a registered trademark of Burton’s Foods Ltd