Week 3: Garlic Naan

One of my bakes went well! Hooray! Okay, fine, so maybe there was a mild fire, but more than 50 per cent of them survived SO I'M COUNTING IT AS A WIN.

The final (uncharred) product

This blog is going to be a bit of a short one, as I've spent most of today huddled in a blanket, alternately sweating, shivering and vomiting. It's been fun. Thankfully I've almost recovered, in that I am no longer curled up on the sofa and I ate some toast without being immediately sick, so I thought I'd have a go at getting this post written.

Of course, there's another reason this one isn't going to be particularly long: I finally succeeded at a bake! I mean, kind of. Technically, I succeeded at five-eighths of a bake, but I'm rounding up. Unfortunately for you lot, that means there's no long list of catastrophic cock-ups for me to regale you with. There is one very specific cock-up, but we'll get to that later.

So, garlic naan. I'm a peshwari man myself, but I can always appreciate a good naan. I also LOVE making curry, so this challenge gave me a good excuse to do so. I have baked myself a naan or two before, but never very successfully; they tend not to rise when I make them, which leads to them being stodgy and fairly inedible.

Before we get started, did you know naan actually just means 'bread'? I didn't know that until this episode, when I went on Twitter and saw a fair few tweets cringing at the term 'naan bread', as obviously it just means 'bread bread'. I thought they were quite funny, but then I saw a Daily Mail article about it and apparently they're actually Perpetually Offended Whingers.

The comment section for that one is a beaut, as you can imagine. Plenty of people taking time out of their day to rage - seemingly without irony - about how the people tweeting this interesting fact need to Get A Life. Also, turns out we don't speak Indian in this country, which, I mean, is technically true because Indian isn't a language?

As much as I'd love to mock the Daily Mail comments section some more, it feels unsporting. I get the impression that most of them would pop a blood vessel trying to tie their shoelaces, so reading something like this could well finish them off. I don't want to be responsible for a surge in the number of stroke victims, so let's get on with the actual baking.

Week Three: Garlic Naan

Making the dough was surprisingly easy. You whisk together the wet ingredients, pour them into the dry ingredients and knead it for a bit. The only problem I really had with it was finding a replacement for the various non-vegan bits. I got soy milk and soy yogurt without any issue, but unfortunately this bread needed my arch-nemesis: eggs.

I wasn't about to try any shit with chickpeas again after last week, although arguably they'd taste better in a naan than they did in a lurid green cake. I did a quick Google, and found that I could use one of the staples of my disgustingly millennial diet: an avocado. Just mash one up, add it to the wet ingredients and apparently it would do the job of an egg, which is something I REALLY WISH I'D RESEARCHED BEFORE LAST WEEK'S CLUSTERFUCK.

As a side note, given that the naan is cooked under a grill, does that mean I'm technically making avocado toast at this point? And, if so, how much of a house deposit have I cheated myself out of? If you don't get that joke, that's because so far you've avoided getting sucked into the hellscape that is Twitter. You are pure and innocent, please don't get tempted by that trash fire of a site. It's too late for me, but save yourselves.

Look how beige this fucking picture is. I am a terrible photographer. Thank god I can do writing good or me would hav no talentz.

So, I mixed it all together, kneaded out any clumps of avocado that refused to mash properly, and set it in a bowl to rest. Next it was time to start on the garlic ghee. For those not in the know, ghee is just clarified butter, meaning butter that has been melted and left to simmer, then had the milk solids (which float to the top in this process) skimmed out of it. Of course, I wasn't using butter. I was using dairy-free spread, and had no idea whether this process would actually work.

It sort of did, I guess? Once it melted, it simmered with no problems and there was definitely STUFF that could be skimmed from the top. It wasn't made up of milk solids, obviously, but it was stuff and I skimmed it. The result was something that may well have been vegan ghee, but having never actually used ghee before, I had no idea. It was melted fat with garlic in it. I assume that ticks the basic criteria for what I needed.

Eagle-eyed readers might have spotted the phrase "once it melted" floating around up there. So, turns out vegan butter doesn't melt like the real thing. Instead, it kind of gets... mushy? Slimy? It looked like something that a ghost would vomit. Once it had melted it all went fine, but... well, see for yourself:

This is after, like, ten minutes of melting. I seriously thought I'd be stuck with vegan slime at this stage.

So, ghee done, dough kneaded; all that was left was to grill the naan until it rose, brush it with garlicky fat and serve it with my delicious curry. I followed the instructions, making sure the baking tray was nice and hot before putting the dough on, and success! The first naan came out of the oven looking practically perfect. I slapped some ghee on it and sat back to admire my work.

Some might say I sat back for a little too long.

I think the next two naans were a little over-caramelised. Potentially this was because I over-worked the dough, or maybe my balance of dry and wet ingredients was off or OKAY FINE I COMPLETELY SET THEM ON FIRE

This isn't hyperbole, by the way. There was fire. Like, actual flames. And I didn't notice. Someone else noticed that the dog had noticed something, and when I looked at what had spooked the poor pup I realised there was a fire in the oven and I had fucked up. I launched myself over there with a flailing not seen since Theresa May's last attempt at dancing like a human being, pulling the baking tray out into the garden and extinguishing them.

Woops

How did they taste?

Once I'd scraped the charcoal off the top and brushed the remnants with ghee, the naans were actually really good! One or two were a bit dense, apparently, but mine was light and fluffy, garlicky without being overpowering (I say that as if there is such a thing as too much garlic) and - dare I say it - delicious.

I did well on a bake! Is this the moment when my fortunes turn around, and I become a mini Paul Hollywood? I can feel my skin turning the colour of sun-damaged leather as we speak. Although, to be fair, this was quite an easy recipe, certainly when compared to a triple-layered Genoise sponge with buttercream, marzipan and fondant (no, I'm still not over that fucking cake).

Weirdly, having an easy recipe really underscored for me just how much of a challenge it must be for the bakers on the actual show. I mean, I had a recipe and no time limit, and I nearly burned down a fucking kitchen. If you handed me a bunch of ingredients and the meagre instructions Hollywood gives the poor bastards, I wouldn't even manage to make the dough. I'd have accidentally set myself on fire by somehow combining flour with the jar of napalm Paul keeps under his desk to achieve his particular brand of fake tan.

What was the curry like?

Yeah, it was decent. I make good main courses, I just can't bake for shit.

Any injuries?

Somehow, no. I can (and have) hurt myself using a whisk, but as soon as there's an actual fire I manage to escape unscathed.

Have you mocked Paul enough?

Probably not, but he was lurking around the Bake Off tent last week with the manner of a cold-blooded serial killer so I don't think I'll chance it.

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Recipe

I know I didn't post this last week, but my cake was so incredibly shit I didn't feel I should share it.

Makes: 8

Hands-on time: 20 minutes, plus rising

Baking time: 15 minutes

Skill level: Easy

For the dough:

• 450g plain flour 

• 1 tsp salt

• 1 tsp baking powder 

• 200ml soy milk

• 100ml soy yogurt

• 1 medium avocado

• 1 tbsp caster sugar

• small bunch of coriander, chopped, to serve

For the garlic ghee:

• 250g vegan butter

• 1/2 tsp salt

• 4 garlic cloves, peeled and finely chopped 

You will also need:

• Muslin square  (I didn't have this)

• Heavy-based metal baking sheet

Step 1 – Mix the flour, salt and baking powder together in a bowl. 

Step 2 – Mash the avocado until smooth. In a jug, whisk together the milk, yogurt, mashed avocado and caster sugar.

Step 3 – Make a well in the centre of the flour and pour in the milk mixture. Mix together with one hand, to a soft, sticky dough. 

Step 4 – Turn out the dough onto a lightly oiled worktop. Knead for 5 minutes, until smooth, then place the dough into a lightly oiled bowl, cover and leave to rest for 30 minutes.

Step 5 – To make the ghee, melt the butter in a small pan over a low heat so that it is only just bubbling. Add the salt. Leave to simmer for 20 minutes – this gives the ghee its nutty flavour and golden colour – carefully skimming the foam as it rises to the surface. (Take care to remove just the foam and not the clarified butter.) 

Step 6 – Remove the pan from the heat. If using muslin, pass the butter through a sieve lined with a square of muslin into a clean bowl. Skim off any remaining small bits of foam and stir in the chopped garlic. Set aside. 

Step 7 – Tip the dough onto a lightly floured worktop and divide into 8 equal pieces. Shape 1 piece into a ball, flatten it, then roll it into a teardrop shape about 3–5mm thick, 20cm long and 12cm at its widest point. Repeat for the remaining dough pieces. 

Step 8 – Lay a heavy-based metal baking sheet on a grill pan and heat under a hot grill for 5 minutes. One at a time, lay the naan on the hot baking sheet and grill for 1–2 minutes, until the naan bubbles up. (Keep a close eye on it, as it will burn easily as it puffs.) 

Step 9 – Remove the naan from the grill, brush with garlic ghee, and set aside to keep warm. Repeat with the remaining naans, then sprinkle with chopped coriander to serve. 

*Disclaimer: This recipe is copied word for word from the Bake Off website, I've just changed it to reflect how I made it vegan*